RSN Fundraising Banner
FB Share
Email This Page
add comment
Print

Borowitz writes: "Moments after learning about Putin’s assertion, Mueller hastily assembled his staff of investigators to inform them that, now that Putin had fully exonerated himself, there was no point in continuing the probe."

Robert Mueller. (photo: James Berglie/TNS)
Robert Mueller. (photo: James Berglie/TNS)


Mueller Immediately Closes Investigation After Hearing Putin Proclaim His Innocence

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker

12 November 17

 

The article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, "The Borowitz Report."


he special counsel Robert Mueller announced on Saturday that he was closing the Justice Department’s Russia investigation, “effective immediately,” after hearing that President Vladimir Putin, of Russia, said he was innocent of any election meddling.

Moments after learning about Putin’s assertion, Mueller hastily assembled his staff of investigators to inform them that, now that Putin had fully exonerated himself, there was no point in continuing the probe.

“Vladimir Putin says he did nothing,” Mueller told his staff. “That’s good enough for me.”

Speaking later to reporters, Mueller said that, by disbanding his investigation, he was following the time-honored law-enforcement tradition of taking a suspect’s word for it.

“For the past several months, we’ve assembled tax records, cell-phone recordings, bank transfers, and e-mail communications that indicated Russia was involved in the election,” a visibly shaken Mueller said. “Somehow, we got it wrong—very, very wrong.”

As for his future plans, Mueller said that his first order of business was to write a hearfelt letter of apology to Putin.

“I feel terrible knowing that I’ve spent all this time investigating a person who did absolutely nothing wrong,” he said. “Hindsight is 20/20, but I really should have called him first and asked him what really happened.”


e-max.it: your social media marketing partner
 

Comments   

A note of caution regarding our comment sections:

For months a stream of media reports have warned of coordinated propaganda efforts targeting political websites based in the U.S., particularly in the run-up to the 2016 presidential election.

We too were alarmed at the patterns we were, and still are, seeing. It is clear that the provocateurs are far more savvy, disciplined, and purposeful than anything we have ever experienced before.

It is also clear that we still have elements of the same activity in our article discussion forums at this time.

We have hosted and encouraged reader expression since the turn of the century. The comments of our readers are the most vibrant, best-used interactive feature at Reader Supported News. Accordingly, we are strongly resistant to interrupting those services.

It is, however, important to note that in all likelihood hardened operatives are attempting to shape the dialog our community seeks to engage in.

Adapt and overcome.

Marc Ash
Founder, Reader Supported News

 
-13 # Rodion Raskolnikov 2017-11-12 16:10
Ha, Ha, Ha. This is a good one. I was expecting this but not in this way. Mueller is finally right: he got it wrong -- very, very wrong.

Good one, Andy
 
 
+9 # ericlipps 2017-11-13 06:34
This would be funnier if the President of the United States hadn't uttered the exact same sentiments. Fortunately, Mueller isn't buying. Unfortunately, there are commenters right here on RSN who do.
 
 
-14 # Rodion Raskolnikov 2017-11-13 08:42
"“Hindsight is 20/20, but I really should have called him first"


Yes, there are lots of calls Mueller should have made. The first one should have been to Julian Assange and Mueller could have asked him who gave him the DNC and Podesta emails. While Assange may not have given the exact name, there are lots of things he could have told Mueller about the emails that would have saved a lot of time and money.

The reason this is so funny and so ironic is that it is so impossible. Mueller will never do the right thing. His job is to get a cold war started. He really does not care about the immediate case. No one on Mueller's level cares about Russian Trolls placing adverts on Facebook or Twitter. That's just crap for American consumption. Americans think Facebook is important. The cold war is the goal for guys like Mueller.
 
 
-10 # doug@integrity.net 2017-11-13 13:05
It is a shame that this satire has the ring of authenticity in it. That American media has become so politicized and distrusted, that it would be interesting to see how many Americans believe the Russian President is more accurately telling the truth vs. the Washington Post and the New York Times which have been used by the Clinton Campaign and DNC to leak false reports about a now-famous Dossier containing allegations regarding an opposing political party. It also appears this "Dossier" now confirmed to be paid for by the Clinton Campaign was the basis of gathering surveillance (i.e. tapping the opposing parties phones) so they could gather information possibly useful to countering the surge of "deplorables" who rose up to send Mrs. Clinton packing up her $1.5 Billion campaign and going home to work on a concession speech.
 
 
+2 # CL38 2017-11-13 21:41
"That American media has become so politicized and distrusted, that it would be interesting to see how many Americans believe the Russian President is more accurately telling the truth vs. the Washington Post and the New York Times"...

The current "President" Trump says he believes it!!!
 

THE NEW STREAMLINED RSN LOGIN PROCESS: Register once, then login and you are ready to comment. All you need is a Username and a Password of your choosing and you are free to comment whenever you like! Welcome to the Reader Supported News community.

RSNRSN